The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
