I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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