Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize