I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
