I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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