He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
