Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's rum buckets o'clock
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
COCAINE IS GR8
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize