I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
