I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
