I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
