I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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