Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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