my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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