i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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