why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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