I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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