Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
