Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
