I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
why is half of my head shaved?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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