I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
