Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
