Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
