No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
