for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So vagazzling was a success
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
