It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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