i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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