I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
