would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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