just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So many bounce houses so little time
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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