so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I AM VODKA MAN
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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