I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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