The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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