The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
