when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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