She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
