well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
