Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
