I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
