Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
