there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
