I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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