can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize