NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
