Even water is tasting like jack daniels
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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