Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
