His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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