My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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