Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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