Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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