dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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