i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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