I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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