VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
