hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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