What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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