pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
