he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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