he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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