i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
