When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
