I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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