you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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